Let's talk about what nobody wants to talk about

Death.

That may seem like an abrupt start but it’s true.

We plan for important events in our life…graduation from high school and college. Our wedding. The birth of our first child. An important promotion that may mean a big move across country. Retirement. But we often avoid planning for end of life.

Think about it. The reason we plan for all these other milestones is because we want them to be the best they can be. We don’t want to leave their unfolding to chance. We want to navigate each important event in our lives to make them good, great even. And death should be no different.

Let me explain what I mean.

When someone receives a terminal diagnosis, life becomes chaotic. There are medical decisions to be made…caregiving decisions…appointments…research to determine the best course of action…possible physical moves to ensure the safety of the person who is sick. The day-to-day functions of life can seemingly spin out of control. It is very difficult for a caregiver and the person who is ill to stay on top of it all and feel at peace.

I truly believe feeling peace in our souls is one of the highest goals we can achieve at any time in life but especially at end of life.

This is why I do what I do.

My purpose is to help the person who is sick and their caregivers, find peace through advanced planning and addressing needs of the soul.

What does this look like?

It could include encouraging important conversations about medical choices moving forward, for instance, would you want morphine if pain increases even if it makes you more tired and less engaged? I do not provide advice on what is right or wrong, just encourage you to identify your choices.

Are there things that have been left unsaid for many years among family members that would be good to address through letters, phone calls or time together? Asking for or giving forgiveness?

And, what about ways to continue finding joy amidst the turmoil?  Working on a puzzle? Going for walks in nature (even if it’s in a wheelchair)? Reading a book or being read to? It’s important for those terminally ill to still be engaged in life in whatever way they choose.

I can help create legacy projects while the person who is sick is still able to participate. Maybe they would like to share their favorite recipes in a recipe box, write a letter to each person they love, put together photo books, or choose special keepsakes to give out before they are gone.

No doubt many friends and neighbors would like to do something to help. I can help create a schedule for what is needed when, so it doesn’t place an extra burden on the caregiver.

Engaging in conversations about how the person who is sick would like things to go as their illness progresses, including when they are near death. Who would they like in the room? Would they like candles burning? Music playing? Prayers?

As an end of life doula, this is my focus - to help the person with a terminal diagnosis identify what they’d like their remaining time to look like, take some of the load off caregivers, and help both find peace and even joy in this final journey.

It certainly isn’t an easy time. And everybody’s path will look different. But spelling out preferences ahead of time and communicating them, can result in a much more harmonious journey.